We Wear the Mask
by Laziness Incarnate
Summary: [Spoilers] In Hikaru's dream, Sai wears a mask. The title of the story comes from the poem "We Wear the Mask" by Paul Laurence Dunbar.


**We Wear the Mask**

A shadowy figure  
In a flickering light…  
Since that one glimpse  
I have been lost in a longing  
For someone I do not know

-from "Shimmering." Anonymous, translated by Edwin A. Cranston

- 0 - 0 -

"Hikaru! Why can't you hear my voice? Wake up!"

"Sai?" Hikaru blinks his eyes, feeling groggy and stupid.

"Took you long enough!" Sai huffs. "You have a test today, you need to study. How can you be so bad at math and so good at go?"

Sai always used to say that.

Hikaru sits up, rubbing his eyes as sunlight streams through his curtains. It's going to be a hot day. "I'm awake."

"Good. I can't help you with this, you know, not like your history and Japanese homework. I don't understand all those symbols they use. You have to figure it out yourself."

Then Hikaru looks at Sai, and notices he's wearing a mask.

"Where did you get that thing?" he asks, bewildered. The only possessions Sai ever had were his fan and his clothes. And maybe a flute, once, that he played for Hikaru in a wheat field on a windy day, or maybe at a cherry blossom viewing. Unless he dreamed all that.

"I decided it would be useful," Sai says. "Anyway, stop dawdling. Time to study! Shoo, shoo!"

It's a funny sight, Sai in that mask waving his fan around. Almost like a Noh play. Hikaru smiles. "Let me have breakfast first."

When he finally makes it downstairs, Mom puts a plate in front of him, and one in front of Sai, who seats himself at the table to Hikaru's left.

"The fish will be ready in a couple minutes. Are you taking Fujiwara-san around today?" Mom asks as she turns on the stove.

"Huh?"

"That's what the mask is for, right?"

Dad is reading the newspaper and sipping his coffee. He says, "Fujiwara-san is so talented, you wanted to show him off, didn't you? And now you can."

"Yeah," says Hikaru, suddenly unsure. "But don't I have a math test today?"

His father lowers the newspaper.

"This is more important."

Hikaru nods, and looks at Sai.

The mask is half white, half black.

- 0 - 0 -

Despite what Dad says, Hikaru goes to school first.

"Do we have time for this?" Sai's voice is muffled behind the mask.

"You were the one who wanted me to study for my math test," Hikaru shoots back.

"Not that you actually did."

Hikaru ignores this. "Let's peek in on the science room first."

Akari isn't there, but Tsutsui is waiting, along with Mitani, wearing his usual sour look.

"Who's your friend?" they ask.

"He's a go player." Hikaru can't help but grin a little. Today is going to be a good day after all. He'll get to watch Sai play his own go, without his own hands in the way.

"Nigiri," says Sai. There's a quiet clinking sound as two stones tumble onto the board from his fist. Tsutsui counts out eight stones on his side.

The mask seems to smile. Or the black half does. The white half seems like it's asleep. "I've never lost playing black."

The game doesn't take very long.

Mitani shakes his head.

"I don't like playing him when he's wearing that."

"Why not?" demands Hikaru.

"Seems kind of shady."

If Sai is hurt, Hikaru can't see it on his face.

"Fine. We have bigger fish to fry anyway."

Tsutsui doesn't look up from the board as they leave.

- 0 - 0 -

Seeing Mitani reminds Hikaru of something.

"You know Mitani's sister? The one who works at a net café? Let's go see her," he says to Sai.

sai nods.

"Long time no see!" Mitani's sister seems a lot shorter than he remembers her. "You want your regular spot?"

"Yeah. But..." Hikaru drops his voice to a whisper, "is it still free?"

"Nothing is free," she laughs.

But he doesn't have to pay.

He presses three keys for his log-on name.

"I remember some of these names," he says, scrolling down the list of opponents. "Want to play this American guy?"

sai nods.

Hikaru slides out of the chair and lets sai take his place.

He plays a lot of games.

He wins a lot of games.

He gets stronger.

"Look, there's zelda. Want to play him?"

sai nods. Hikaru clicks the mouse to start the game.

He plays.

He wins.

Afterward, zelda sends him a message.

_who are you?_

"I know what to type here. 'I'm strong, ain't I?'"

_who are you?_

_who are you?_

_who are you?_

Hikaru shakes his head. "Man, Waya never gives up, does he? Is there anyone else you want to play? I feel like we're missing something. No?"

Hikaru stands up to leave. But one more message appears.

_do you even know?_

- 0 - 0 -

They go to the Institute next.

A man in a Hawaiian shirt walks in just behind them. He has a big nose, but his droopy eyes somehow manage to look sharp. And he's carrying a fan.

"Hey, kid," he says. "Play you a game? I want to test my ability."

Hikaru looks up at the man, who seems familiar somehow. "Uh, okay. But why don't you play my friend instead?"

Hawaiian Shirt seems to notice Sai for the first time. "Oh. But I asked _you_ for a game."

"My friend doesn't get out much. Humour him."

Another dubious look. The mask does that to people. But the guy ends up agreeing anyway.

Hikaru can imagine the look of pure delight on Sai's face as he raises his fan slowly, points, and says, "The top right star."

And places the stone himself.

Sai never loses playing black.

"I have lost," his opponent eventually says. "But you're not the kid, so it's okay."

"Hey!"

The man's voice is heavy now. "You're really strong. You're like...as if Shuusaku came back from the dead and learned modern go."

The mask bows. "Yes. And I'm getting stronger with each win. Thank you for the game."

The man bows back. "Thank you for the game." But his eyes are hollow.

- 0 - 0 -

They pass Waya, and Isumi, Ochi and Honda and Nase and even Tsubaki and Kawai-san and that 2-dan he played in the Young Lions Tournament. But Sai shakes his head.

"Those are your opponents, not mine."

"I guess so," Hikaru replies. He looks back longingly at the insei room. "Don't get me wrong. I've always wanted to see you like this. Playing as much go as you want. Out and about in the world, getting famous like you deserve. I just want a chance to grow too."

Sai's face is unreadable. Of course it's unreadable, he's wearing a mask. But when he speaks his voice is oddly gentle. "There's a progression I have to follow, Hikaru. Like those graphs in your math class, remember?" His fan traces a straight line through the air, and Hikaru is reminded of the way that Sai's sword could slice right through him. "Rising higher and higher to the divine move. I am near the end now. I can't stop for you."

"Oh yeah. That reminds me. I forgot to take my math test today."

"This is more important."

"My life is important too."

For a moment Sai is silent. "We don't know how much time I have."

"Huh?"

They're taking the elevator up to the highest floor of the Institute. The elevator dings, and Hikaru feels a cold chill down his back as the door opens.

Kuwabara Honinbou faces him. But he's looking straight at Sai, as if Hikaru isn't even there.

"Kouyo's waiting for you," the old man says, with not a trace of his usual slyness.

As they pass him, Hikaru hears Kuwabara say in a low voice, "I wish I could play you too, Honinbou."

Ogata leads them to the playing room. It's his duty, after all, as the Meijin's student. He says to Sai, "You owe me a game later."

"Don't you want to play _me_?" Hikaru asks.

Ogata gives a horrible smile. "Tell you what. We'll rock-paper-scissors for it. If you lose, I get to play Sai." And then he seems to fade away completely as they pass through the doorway.

The Room of Profound Darkness seems especially dark today.

Touya Meijin waits before a goban.

Sai seats himself on the other side.

"Was this place always on the top floor?" Hikaru wonders. But no one answers him. His voice almost disappears here. He looks around in wonder; it's as if the walls have fallen away and left a cold mist in their place.

"Let's skip the preliminaries, shall we?" Touya Meijin says, gaze fixed on Sai's mask. "No need to handicap yourself for the boy's sake."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Hikaru sputters.

He wants to sit down where Sai is sitting, all of a sudden. That's his spot. This is his Shin Shodan game, in the Room of Profound Darkness, against Touya Meijin.

Sai sits, still as stone, and listens to his rival.

"The first time we play, we barely have a chance to even begin before the boy places his own clumsy stone, and kills the game we might have had. The second time we play, you tell yourself you have a fifteen-stone handicap, and what you show me is only yourself in desperation as you protect him. The third time we play..."

Hikaru's breath catches.

"The third time, you hide behind a name in the darkness, and it is still him you wear as your mask. Don't you see? He is the one holding you back."

On the mask, something strange is happening. The white half is pushing back the black half, like a puddle of spilled paint creeping into another puddle. It's starting to look more and more like a Noh mask, but it's not funny anymore.

"Sai, move!" Hikaru yells, without knowing why. "Let me play him!"

"My son is already his. Let me at least have you." Touya Meijin's voice is still pitiless.

"Yes," says Sai. "He has your son, though I was the one who captured him in the beginning."

"Your son?" says Hikaru. "Who's that?"

He feels a sudden, horrible ache in his chest. When he looks down he sees a big round hole there, cut clean through the middle of his torso. People can probably see right through him.

"Nigiri," Touya Meijin demands, and Sai takes the stones into his own hands.

He ends up with white.

"I've never lost playing black," he says.

They play.

Hikaru wishes he could see Sai's face. On the mask the white part keeps pushing at the black, further and further. Soon it will be all white. And when that happens...

"Don't watch," Sai implores, near yose. "Don't see it."

Hikaru's keeps his eyes fixed on the board so he doesn't have to look at Sai's face. "I can't help it. When you play, I have to watch. I'm the one who always placed the stones for you."

"Don't watch."

Hikaru watches. And he sees.

"Here." He points at the fifteen by fifteen intersection. He can't help it; it's glowing so brightly. "If Touya Meijin had gone here, instead of here, he would have won."

The hairs on the back of Hikaru's neck are standing. He looks up, and sees Touya Meijin's eyes gazing at the place where Hikaru's heart is missing. No - he's looking _through _the hole. He is looking at something behind Hikaru.

Sai is looking too. "He's here," he says softly. "You've summoned him."

Hikaru turns, slowly.

But it's just a boy.

He has very black hair, worn long to his shoulders, His face is very pale. For some reason there are fish swimming around him, like he's stuck in a giant aquarium. The air around his head undulates with globs of fluorescent light and fish-shaped shadow.

He is seated in front of a goban. And his hands are shaking.

"He's afraid," says Hikaru. "Why is he afraid?"

"He is afraid of you," Touya Meijin replies.

"He's afraid of us," Sai whispers.

Hikaru feels something stirring in his memory. He thinks he might remember this person. Sixth grade, wasn't he? Just a kid, but the way he looked at Hikaru, with such fire in his eyes...

Hikaru wants to play him. But he knows he can't.

"This is where it began," he says, voice full of wonder. "With this boy. With this game, with you pretending to be me. With me, pretending to be you."

"The beginning belonged to my son. The end belonged to me," says Touya Meijin. "It was not enough."

"All of this was for you, Hikaru. Not for me after all." Sai's head is lowered, long hair hanging around his face, so Hikaru can't see the mask, but he has no doubt that the black is almost gone now. What's left is probably just a few blots of ink swimming in the white, white, white.

"Sai. You have to tell me about this kid. Who is he? What did we do to him? Why is he so afraid?"

It's Touya Meijin who answers. "You showed him your mask."

"Yes," Sai says faintly. "And even though it was a lie, it was fun, wasn't it? All the games, mine and yours. We could have gone on forever like that. The play didn't have to end. But you watched our game in the darkness, even when I told you not to."

"No," Hikaru whispers. "No no no."

"You saw it. You made me disappear."

"I didn't mean to!"

"I'm sorry. I have to go." Sai's voice is barely there now. "It was fun, Hikaru."

Touya Meijin watches with stony eyes as the mask, now fully white, falls from Sai's face.

There's nothing behind it.

"SAI!"

- 0 - 0 -

Hikaru jolts awake at his desk.

"Goodness, Hikaru!" His mother is at his door, and her face is anxious and exasperated all at once. She seems a little breathless. "I know you have a math test tomorrow, but you don't have to yell about it."

When he doesn't answer, she walks closer, slowly, and cranes her head downward so she can look at his face. "Are you all right?"

Hikaru stares at nothing for a moment.

"Just a bit of a nightmare," he says eventually, voice still hoarse from sleep.

"About what?"

Hikaru rubs at his face.

"I don't remember," he says.

She gives him a doubtful look, but doesn't press him further. "I'll get you some tea, okay? Try to stay awake and study."

"Yeah, I will."

After she leaves, Hikaru opens his math notebook and draws a bilinear line graph. It has one line going up and the other going down. The first line, he labels _my go_. The second, _Sai's happiness_. The two lines bisect each other at fifteen by fifteen.

His eyes stray to the goban sitting in the corner of his room.

"I dreamed about you," he says - quietly, so his mom won't hear. "It felt awful."

No one answers.

And Hikaru goes back to studying for his math test.

- 0 - 0 -

The world (thee and me)—  
I conceived of such a thing;  
But now I see…  
'Twas nothing but a shimmering,  
A mirage of "be" and "not be."

-from "Shimmering." Anonymous, translated by Edwin A. Cranston

- End -

Author's notes:

This story is dedicated to the memory of my family dog, who passed away suddenly on June 11, 2012. He was thirteen years old. We miss him terribly.

In the months after my dog's death I had a lot of...I guess you could call them grief dreams. Not nightmares. The first of those dreams directly inspired this story, although the shape of my dream changed considerably in the process of making the story more about Hikaru than about me.

Thinking about Hikaru's grief and comparing it to my own has both saddened and consoled me - because it's sad for me to think that the pain of losing a loved one is such a universal thing - but it's also comforting to know that I'm not alone in my sadness, and that it gets easier over time.

I kind of wish I could write a happy ending to this story, but, well, Hikaru finds that on his own. Even if it's a harder-earned happiness than what he had before.


End file.
